Wendy Schlessel Harpham, M.D.
Dr. Harpham was diagnosed in 1990 at age 36 with non-Hodgkins lymphoma when her children were not yet two, four and six years of age. Her first recurrence happened about one year after her initial diagnosis and she went through six cancer treatments before her remission which has lasted since 1998. As an internist, survivor and parent of children who experienced their mother’s cancer for much of their formative years, she has a unique perspective on how to communicate with one’s own children about cancer.
When a Parent Has Cancer grew from postscripts Dr. Harpham developed to accompany a children’s story she wrote with the help of her children called Becky and the Worry Cup (published in 1997). Written in bite-size chapters, Becky and the Worry Cup provides the stories which help prepare children for the changes cancer brings into their lives. It also helps parents discuss cancer while addressing their children’s fears. It demonstrates that “children really can do something about the monster (cancer) in their home.” Becky and the Worry Cup comes with each copy of When a Parent Has Cancer.
No one really prepares you to deal with cancer and each experience is different. However, the cancer experience happens to the whole family. You know that your doubts, fears and illness will have a pronounced ripple effect on those closest to you — your family and children. As much as you’d like to protect them from the uncertainty of it all, Dr. Harpham makes a compelling argument for sharing the experience with your children – understanding that, depending upon his/her age, each child will experience your illness differently. And she encourages you to be kind to yourself in this process as “there is no right way to parent – so don’t try to be perfect.”
The three key points which provide the foundation for the book are simple, but not easy.
1) Establish and maintain open communication
2) Always tell the truth, couched in love and hopefulness
3) Ensure that your children’s basic needs are met
Dr. Harpham provides examples and stories which clearly demonstrate how to take her advice and turn it into actions, requests for help and into the language you need to talk with your kids. She helps parents deal with their own needs. She find the words that you are looking for and shapes them into articulate messages for the child who will hear them.
The reader can quite literally open this book to any chapter and receive sound and practical advice. The table of contents makes it possible to find exactly what you are looking for. From “Caring for your children through the crisis of a new diagnosis” to “Caring for the children when cancer recurs or becomes a chronic disease” to “Helping your children live with uncertainty and tame their fear of death”, Dr. Harpham covers every possible situation you may face. I started on the chapter for teenagers – the age of my children – and found her advice “spot on” in communicating with them. I jumped around the book – reading Becky next, Dr. Harpham’s own story, how to use the book (instructions), and finally read the book all the way through.
Key points are highlighted. Each chapter has a simple summary. She knows that cancer patients and care givers have limited attention or energy – so she highlights important parts for those who might just skim through it. I was given this book in my first few months with cancer and read parts of it, but was too overwhelmed to read it all. Now – one year later, I understand more fully the value of such a guide and find myself intentionally integrating her suggestions into my own future planning.
When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children is one of the most useful tools I have found for thinking through the cancer experience, planning and thoughtfully communicating with your children. Whether you are a cancer patient, or you are a family member or friend of a cancer patient, this is a must read if you want to be prepared to be both loving and truthful with children who face the effects of cancer in their family.
