Louise Smith

June 2022

The summer of 2020 was such new territory for everyone. The pandemic was in full swing. I could still see my husband, who had ALS and was living in a VA care facility. This is what consumed my days, every day.

I had gained some weight and brushed it off as the stress of it all. Then came the changes to my bowel movements and the bloating. From my career in EMS, I knew that I needed to get these symptoms checked out, but I didn’t have a primary care provider. I finally got in to see one on September 11th, the day before my 63rd birthday. He examined me, reluctant to order a CT scan initially, but the pain I felt in my abdomen convinced him.

I was fortunate enough to get in the following week, and it was evident that I had cancer, large growths on both ovaries and the surrounding areas. By the end of the month I had seen a gynecologic oncologist (gyn onc), had 4 liters of fluid removed from my abdomen, and a port for chemo put in place. I had my first of four neoadjuvant (pre-surgery) chemotherapy treatments on October 2nd.

When I first met my gyn onc, we connected, I felt comfortable with her, the treatment plan, and her honesty about the seriousness of my condition. Those same feelings continue today, a year and 8 months later as I write this.

Telling my husband, who had lost his ability to communicate was difficult. Here he was in the process of dying, me being with him 10-12 hours a day, seven days a week. Now with my diagnosis, that would have to change. I really pushed myself during this first few months leading up to my surgery on January 6, 2021. I missed 2 days of each chemo session from being with my husband. Now I faced surgery and recovery, not knowing when I would be able to be with him again. Thankfully the staff would call me, and I could speak to him on speaker phone. That was a long 3 weeks, 16 of those days spent in the hospital.

Surgery was life changing—re-sectioning of my large intestine in two places, hysterectomy, other parts removed, and a temporary (hopefully!) ileostomy. My surgical incision wasn’t healing properly, so I had to have a wound vac on it for 3 weeks. Still, through all of this, my main goal was to get back to my husband’s side.

I got back to my routine of daily trips to be with my husband, just shorter days as my stamina was hit hard. Then came the inevitable, the call from his doctor that he was in extreme respiratory distress, the end was rapidly coming. Clifford died on February 10, 2021. I was with him, holding his hand, letting him know I would be okay, and it was time for him to move on. My world was forever changed.

I started my next sessions of chemo in late February; there would be seven more. Around this time is when I found the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Oregon and SW Washington and the monthly virtual support group sessions. What a life saver! Meeting other women who were on similar journeys as mine and others who had recovered their health. The truth, honesty and vulnerability I heard and felt was amazingly soothing and strength building. I also found a national group that meets monthly. This double dose of fellowship has been vital to my mental health.

A year into my cancer journey I had my ileostomy reversed and had 2 months off from treatment. I was not in remission, it was time to move onto another form of treatment. Because of cancerous fluid in my right lung space that is persistent, my diagnosis is Stage 4a. Unfortunately, after a few months of treatment, it was evident it wasn’t working.

On March 16, 2022 I started more chemotherapy. So far, I haven’t lost my hair like I did the first go around with chemo. I tire easily but really try and stay focused on solutions to my chronic condition. Will this treatment bring me into remission? The answer to that is in the future and out of my focus for now. What I do know is I am not walking this journey alone. I have a small group of friends and family and an even larger sisterhood of women who have experienced a similar journey.

My days are spent with my cat Chester, who is teaching me the finer art of resting throughout the day. I am also having acupuncture treatments twice a week which gets me out of the apartment and into the world that has changed so much in the past 2 years. I am finally comfortable doing my own grocery shopping but still need some assistance around the house. I joined a writing group that meets weekly on the internet, and that has been helpful identifying, examining, and sharing my feelings.

If I have any words of wisdom to pass on, it would be that no matter how difficult it may seem, share freely your experience.  It will give you strength and provide HOPE for others.