Roselle Soriano

October 2015

As I recently held our one and a half year old granddaughter, I was reminded that gratitude always exists in us. No matter what the circumstances, it is about the moment.

Yes, I remember the moment in early March 2012, when I went in for my annual physical and again requested the CA 125 test like I had done for the past 25 years. This time, I received a call: my CA 125 had elevated without any significant symptoms. In retrospect, the symptoms were there but not obvious enough to take notice or think them serious.

My doctor (a gynecologist) wanted me to come in for a transvaginal ultra sound. I went in with fear but I was still hopeful; it must be a mistake I thought. After all, I had taken the contraceptive pill and I had my tubes tied, so the odds were in my favor, right?

The transvaginal ultrasound was performed and an MRI was ordered, too. I was alone and scared but at that moment it was the way I wanted it. Following the tests, I walked down the hall alone and in tears. Then, a tap on my shoulder changed my life in so many ways, but the word positive comes to mind today. The short of it was that I was escorted back to the office and my gynecologist sat with me for an hour and half waiting for the results. We talked, and I cried. I had so many fears but my main thought at that moment was my first grandchild was due soon, and my son was getting married in May, and I did not want to complicate anybody’s life with my health issues. I still was not getting it!

The results came in and yes a tumor was evident on my ovary and I was referred to a gynecologic oncologist. I drove home and waited for my husband to return from work. I sat in our living room waiting to share my recent news realizing also that our life would never quite be the same. I learned later “yes” our life would not be the same but it also became much richer on so many levels. I waited in the living room where most of our life-changing events as a family had been discussed, but now it was I who was on stage and the main “character” in this discussion.

From the day I started this challenging journey, I have not been alone; sometimes, I have been alone with my thoughts but I always know that I have the love of many — family, strangers and friends who hold me up with their arms and hearts. The first lesson I learned (of many) on this journey is that it is easier to give than to receive; it is one of the best gifts I have gotten.

I met with my new gynecologic oncologist, and surgery was scheduled for mid-June after our son’s wedding. My husband, daughter and son arrived on the day of surgery to support each other and me, and there was a surprise guest as well — my gynecologist walked into the prep room and said she had called to ask if she could assist at surgery. She made my day. I was released from the hospital after four days and but had to return just three hours later, diagnosed with C. difficile (Clostridium difficile bacterial infection), which kept me in the hospital another ten days. I had some dark days dealing with the C. diff infection.

During this time, I was diagnosed with Stage III C ovarian cancer and a chemotherapy regime was established. The first three treatments were delivered by IV and the last three were IP, or Intraperitoneal, where a port is placed under skin in the abdominal wall.

I also went every week to a naturopathic physician, who worked with my gyn onc to pair naturopathic medication with my chemotherapy. It was the perfect marriage of eastern and western medicines.

My chemotherapy was completed in November 2012, but my journey continues with gratitude and grace. You see, gratitude and grace has taken permanent residence in my life and that will never be taken away from me. The memories I have added will be with me and those I love always.

Since my diagnosis, I have started yoga, had counseling, para sailed, zipped lined, and trained for the Ovarian Cancer Alliance peer mentoring program. I have listened to three amazing women tell their ovarian cancer stories to third-year residents at OHSU. One of these three amazing ladies was Diane O’Connor, sent to me by another angel friend and I will be forever grateful, a gift beyond words.

Memories have been made, tears shed and laughter shared with family and friends. When I was diagnosed, Grady was my first grandchild, then 8 months, and now 4 years old. Two more grandchildren have arrived: Gracie, 19 months and Desi, 17 months. Being a grandmother is a true joy. Recently, two college friends called and said they were beginning their walk on El Camino de Santiago and that they would carry me close to their hearts. All of this has defined me beyond what I was looking for, and on most days I feel like I have found — through the support and example of so many — rainbows in the clouds of life.

The biggest lesson I have learned and keep learning is a quote given me by another special person in my life: “when one stumbles make it part of the dance” and what a dance it is!